My last night!

Here are some pictures of my last night at the hospital. It has been a long 5 week stay! I am excited about seeing my home and my dogs tomorrow! And the scenery on the way home!
I am going home with contraction moniters and medicine to stop the contractions if i have them. But I have so far been doing well and I have been off the magnesium since Monday. So pray all will continue to go well.

Hide and Seek

Well so much for getting rest last night to help my dizziness subside.
About 3:45 this morning I got up to go to the bathroom, ( and all you momma's and momma's to be know exactly what thats like). I can look at a glass of water and have to go.
At anyrate, when I got back in the bed just about to doze off the nurse comes in to adjust the babies moniter because apparently they werent tracing, due to me most likely knocking them off the moniter in my sleep.

Well she comes in and picks up Emma's heart rate immediately. But for over 30 minutes could not find a heart beat on Molly. And usually this does not scare me when they cant find her because the moniter even picks up their movement. So if she is moving, you will hear a bunch of static on the moniter and that helps me to not freak out. I know that the moniter just cant trace her at the moment because she is so active.

Not the case this morning. This morning it was completely quiet and no heart beat. So the nurse went and got the doppler, ( another tool used to trace the heart beat) and still could not find her.

My insides wanted to panic. But instead I just prayed and prayed. God PLEASE let me feel her move, let her be okay, let us hear her heart beat. PLEASE.

And then this song came to me that has been on mine and Rick's heart lately. And its called "You never let go" by Matt Redman

One of the lines in the song is "I will fear no evil- for I know my God is with me"

I just kept repeating that over and over in my head.

After the nurse couldnt pick her up the Doctor came in about 4:30 this morning to do an ultra sound and the second he put it on my belly I hear "thump thump thump"

Thank God! Apparently, she was just playing a game of hide and seek.

I swear these little girls are gonna do me in before they even get here.

Im told once they are born I will always worry just as much about them but in different ways. I see clearly why so many moms say this is the hardest job but the most rewarding.
Its really exhausting having to be so concerened every second of the day.

I really need to start praying for God's peace more. I know that He does not want me to be anxious or to worry but to trust Him fully.

So anyways, after we found her heart beat you would think I could get back to sleep. Well I doze off for maybe 45 min and then the Tech comes in and wants to check my vital signs! Really? Cant taking my temp wait? Im exhausted!!!

So then she leaves and again I go to fall back asleep and its not 20 min the nurse is in here to give me my thyroid pill. Oh gosh, NOW maybe I can get to sleep.

Oh but then wait, food service, housekeeping, and then the Doctors all come in right after the other. And here it is 10:30am and I still have not made it back to sleep.

SO, might as well blog about it! haha

Doctor B. said this morning that I am still going home tmw.

So please pray that all of our needs will be met once I get there.

I asked him what exactly he means by bed rest and well, it means exactly what I thought it meant. I cant do a darn thing!

He said only leave the house for Dr appts. And I can get up to use the restroom and to shower and thats it.

So im wondering, do I not eat when my husband is at work or what? I dont have Food service to bring me 3 meals a day like I do at the hospital.

This is going to be a big adjustment for me, but This too shall pass.

And when it does, my healthy beautiful gifts from God will be in my arms.

Enjoy the song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y83-vMeWc9E

It really is encouraging to be reminded that through every high and every low He never lets go.
He surely has not let go of me, rick, or our little girls. He has not only healed our babies but He has healed our hearts as well.

Ill be so glad when this bed rest is over and my girls have made a safe entrance into the world . I miss church SO much!!! That's one of the first places I will be going once I am able to finally leave the house again. :)

Thank all of you, again for all your prayers. I seriously dont know where we would be without all of them.

29 weeks!!!

Well oh well,

I am 29 weeks today!!!

I am without the right words to express how truly thankful I am for this. From the beginning of that 1st positive test I felt that my babies were a gift from God, but now they are so much more than gifts from Him. They are miracles from Him.

They are proof of God's Grace. They are proof of His Mercy. They are proof of His faithfulness. They are proof of how Mighty and Powerful He is. They are proof that God DOES exist. Every time I feel my little girls kick or squirm, there is no denying that God is real. I know that its only because of Him that I am still able to feel both my babies living inside of me.

This experience has helped me to see God in a way that I have never seen Him before.

I have had so many people, people that I dont usually talk to on a every day basis, come to me and say " Ive seen God work in your babies, and I just want you to know that MY faith has been strengthened because of it" , or I have had people say,
"Through your babies I have been brought closer to God"

I cant tell you how much that means to me. When doctors were first telling us that it was a big possibility that one or both babies would not make it, my heart was torn into a million shreds. Countless tears and screams went up to the heavens, but deep inside I kept telling myself that my babies lives are NOT in vain! And God has proven that to me over the past few weeks. He has shown me, how not only are their lives not in vain, but these past 5 weeks also are not in vain because it has brought so many people to their knees. It has brought so many people closer to God, and it has strengthened the faith of Rick and I.

My life has such a different meaning now. And I feel like I owe God every ounce of who I am for bringing my little girls this far.

I feel so honored that God has chosen MY little girls to glorify Him in such a powerful way.

Happy 29 weeks to my sweet angels.

Mommy and Daddy are waiting VERY patiently to meet you. We can not wait to see the faces of the two miracles that God has placed and allowed to grow inside of me these past 7 months.

They are going to have more love than they know what to do with, that is for sure.

Thank all of you so much for your continued support. Every email, every text message, every phone call, every visit, really does something extra special to Rick and I.
We are so thankful for each of you.

I cant wait to blog about my HAPPY 30 weeks!!! Please pray that God will allow us to get that far! I already have so much to be thankful for, because He has already brought us so far.

On a side note, I believe we are going home this saturday. That's IF today's events didnt interrupt that plan.
Today when I was sitting on the bench in the shower, I felt this funny feeling come over me. Rick was in the bathroom with me and I told him to quickly turn some cold water on. And the moment he adjusted the water my vision went completely black. I was extremely dizzy and so Rick helped me get out right away.
The nurse was in my room changing my linens and I told her I wanted to get on the babies heart moniters right away so that I could know that it was just me feeling funny and not them.

Well they hooked me up to the moniters and sure enough Baby Emma's heartrate, was very high. She usually stays in the 120-130's and even if she were up to 160 it would be okay but she was all the way in the 190's.
The nurse stayed and watched her for about 5 minutes and there was no change so she said she needed to call the dr.

It took everything I had to not cry my eyes out but I didnt want to stress her out even more. So I just held it in. I really wanted her heart rate to come down. I was so scared, because if she stays too high or too low for more than 20 minutes then they consider the baby to be under stress and will most likey make me deliver. So Rick and I just prayed and prayed.

The Dr had the nurses run a bag of fluid thru me and Emma's heart rate did come down after about ten minutes but that was a scary ten minute wait.

As of Monday they have not had me on continuious heart monitering. They have just monitered me 3 times a day for about an hour each time. But today since that happened, I requested to stay on the moniters.

I can see right now that once i am home, not being able to check their heart rates everytime I get a nervous feeling is going to be very hard for me.

So just pray about that.

Had an ultra sound tonight and both girls looked great. They were very active, and breathing very well with their lungs. Emma had 5cm of fluid and Molly had 4.4 so things are remaining stable. Praise God!

I guess that's all for now.

I have had low blood pressure, a headache and dizziness most of the day.

I am beat. Need lots of rest.

NICU Tour

Since the plan was for us to be going home soon, I figured I should probably go ahead and take them up on the offer to tour NICU.

They had asked us 5 weeks ago when I was admitted in the hospital to do this and I just have not been ready. I had so much to worry about already, that I did not want to add the traumatizing "what to expects" of a baby born at 24 weeks to my list of worries. I already what iffed myself too death over it, but I surely did not want the harsh reality of it to be in my face. You know?

But now that I am 29 weeks TOMORROW :) and have all the faith in the world that I will make it into my 30's, I figuered touring NICU would be easier on me. Their struggles would be less, and I really wanted to make sure I had a general idea of what to expect before going home.

Yesterday we went on our tour, and before we even passed the sign in sheet tears swelled up in my eyes. The first thing we saw was the isolette they would be laying in, and it had all these cords etc...in it and picturing my little angels in one of those things was just too much.

The thing that made tears come to Rick's eyes is when they told us the girls most likely would not be in the same room together at first.
They have been together since the moment they were concieved, how could they possibly be seperated when they first come out? They need each other.

The nurse basically told us that there were 3 levels of rooms. Once they graduate up to the 3rd level, then they will be stable enough to share a crib together. But prior to that, they dont want to put them at risk for infection. While they are in me, whatever happens to one will most likely happen to the other but once they come out that is not necessarily true. So, for their protection they dont want them together at first incase one gets something, they dont want it to spread to the other.

Which I understand their thought process, but Im with Rick. They need to be together! I cant imagine going through all Ive been through the past 5 weeks with no one by my side. And these poor girls would be coming out into the world and then wisked off seperately. I just pray that they will never even see NICU. It was a very scary tour.

Another thing that was a little much for me to hear was that while they are in level one which is where most NICU babies start out, we would not be able to hold them.
Can someone please take the knife out of my heart already???

Although we cant hold them, we can touch them, but gosh. Lets recap, my girls have me and each other from the moment they are concieved, but the moment they come out they wont have eachother NOR their mommy to hold them and make them feel safe? they are going to be left naked and cold lying in a isolette with cords attached to every part of their little body??? Ok so maybe they wont be cold, but the rest still stands to be true.

Once they move to the level 2 room they can be held but for no more than 30 min a day. It just makes me so sad that they wont be able to bond with their mommy or daddy right at birth like most babies get too. Are they going to feel like I have abandoned them?

Level 3 is when they can be held without limitations. My prayer is that IF they have to go to NICU that it will be NO time before they see level 3.

Another thing that the nurse told me is that they are going to tell me over and over how important breast milk is for them. If for whatever reason I cant pump milk for them then they would encourage me using donor breast milk. So pray with me that I can supply my own milk to them. There is a bowel problem that has only been found in pre-mature babies and breast milk has been proven to help prevent that in them.
She said breast milk is the best medicine I can give them, while they are in NICU so I will do it with all my might.
Im actually excited about it. I was worried about them going to NICU and me not being able to nurse them because by the time they learned how to swallow, they would be doing it from a bottle. SO i didnt think that they would be able to transistion from a bottle to me, but that apparently isnt true either. NICU and the lactation nurse will both assist me and the babies in learning how to adapt to this. IF they are put in NICU it is going to rob me of so much bonding time with them, that when they come home I want to be able to make up for it in any which way I can. And nursing is one of the best ways to bond with your new baby. So pray that I can be successful at doing this!

At some point we will be having a consultation with Neonatal Doctor to learn what to expect at different gestational ages from where I am at in my pregnancy on up to being fullterm. Pray that Rick and I can both be strong through this process. It really is a punch in the gut having to face that this could be the road we are traveling down but Again, we dont want to go home blind, so that is why we are prepping ourselves as much as we can.

However my prayer is that NICU will never even be an issue for my baby girls. And I know that all of you are praying as well. So thank you for that.

I got choked up many times yesterday thinking about my babies and how grateful I am that they are doing so wonderful. These past 5 weeks could have very well taken a turn for the worst. But they havent. God has chosen to intervene and heal my little girls. Who am I that God would do such a massive favor like this for me???

This experience has really tried my faith. But through God's mercy, my faith has been renewed and strengthen to much higher levels. I am so thankful to Him more than words can say.

I am so excited about that RIGHT time coming for me to meet my little miracles. They have no idea, of the way God has used them before they were ever even born and I look forward to being able to tell them all about it one day!!

Drum Roll Please...

This morning we had an ultra sound and I was VERY excited to see that my little troopers are packin on the pounds!!! They already weigh 2 pounds 5 ounces each!!!! So, that means I am currently carrying almost 5 pounds of baby! They are getting much bigger now. When I feel on my stomach now, instead of it being mushy I can actually feel their little bodies most of the time.

Miss Emma is remaining head down. She doesnt turn much although about 2 this morning she was a little more active than usual. But I think it had a little something to do with the naughty Mocha Frappe I had from Mc Donalds at about 10 last night. haha

My sister has me hooked on those things, shameful huh?

Don't worry, I know the "caffeine" rule....1 a day if you must. And I didnt have any caffeine at all yesterday, saving up for that mocha! haha

Molly, on the other hand mocha frappe or not she is constantly a very active little girl! She still loves to do flips in my belly, and trust when I say I know every single time she does this. She is so big now, that I feel every inch of her turning her little self around.

Ok, so I am pretty sure that I will be going home very soon! My pre-term labor has been under control and the Dr said today that he doesnt even consider my girls to have Twin to Twin syndrome anymore!!!
Molly's heart had the thickening wall in the beginning from how hard it was having to work due to all the blood flow from the placenta coming her way but today her heart looked completely fine!!! God is good!!!

They took a look at the placenta and the umblical cords as well via ultrasound and both looked great.

I can not tell you, how many complete and total melt downs I had when we first learned we had TTTS. Dr's were giving us alternatives, and not reassuring us that BOTH babies if either would be okay at the end of this, and I have never cried and prayed so hard in all my life. My babies lives were in jeaporady and there was absolutely nothing i could do about it.
My crying was more like whaling. At the top of my lungs I would just let it all out. Some days, Rick, my mom, and nurses even would have to hold me down because my anxiety attacks were SO bad and my crying was so strong. My heart rate would go up, I would hyperventilate, I have never been so scared and so desperate for anything.

God deserves SO much praise, because in the pure depths of my desperation he has heard my cries AND all of YOUR Prayers and he has healed my little girls!!! I know that Emma and Molly arent here yet, but I know that today they are perfectly healthy normal babies in utero and 4 weeks ago they werent. So for THAT alone, God is good.

These past 4 weeks could have taken a turn for the worst, but they havent. They have gotten better and better every day. And every day I am more and more thankful to my God who is so faithful.

Today they took me off my magnesium ( the medicine to stop labor) They are going to moniter me here while I am off of it for the next couple days. If my body responds well, and I dont go into labor then I will be going home at the end of the week! If I begin to show signs of labor, then back on the magnesium I go, and my stay here will be prolonged, indefinitley.

I am going to ask you to pray, that if the hospital is where I need to be then that will be shown to us before I am discharged. As I mentioned the other day, I have a peace about going home now, so whatever is suppose to happen I am mentally ready for.

Because I have seen first hand that all of you DO pray and that your prayers ARE being answered in our favor, I have all the faith in the world about asking you to continue to pray.

So here are some ways how:

If I go home, pray that my anxiety will not be so high. Molly is essentially located on top of Emma, so Emma is not able to move around as much as Molly is. I know that Molly is okay, because I always feel her moving but when I begin to get a little anxious about Emma, all I have to do is look at the moniter and see her steady little heart beat and know she is fine. At home, I will not have this privledge. I will have to just go on faith. I know that God is faithful, But I still like the reassurance that both girls are okay. Pray that I can be peaceful about this once i get home.

Of course, continue to pray that pre-term labor will not be an issue for me anymore. I would love to be able to give God all the praise in the world for allowing my babies to be born at a healthy gestational age.

Also pray that the fluids will continue to be stable. The Dr said today that if they were going to be unstable then they would have done so already. He is confident that that the fluid levels are no longer an issue. I am thankful for his confidence but I want all of you to continue to pray this! I know that the fluids are ONLY stable because of what God is doing, so please keep praying that God will keep doing.

Today Emma had around 5cm of fluid and Molly had around 4.8cm.


Also, pray for me once I get home. I am suppose to be on complete bed rest, as if i were still in the hospital. Without nurses and doctors at my bedside to help me, this is going to be much harder for me. On nights Rick works this will be especially hard for me because I will be completely alone.
So please just pray that everything will work out.

Also pray for my iron levels. They have been low, and I have been taking 3 iron pills a day. I bleed like a stuck pig every time they stick me with the smallest needle, and so I am just nervous about what this could mean when I deliver. Pray that my iron levels can come back up to normal amounts.

Well I suppose this is all for now. I will continue to keep you all updated and thank you so VERY Much for all of your prayers. God is so faithful and I Just can not WAIT for the right time to come so that I can have both my little girls in my arms!!! I melt at the thought of delivery day!

Until next time,

Erika

28 weeks!

Yesterday was a miracle in itself! My baby girls have made it to 28 weeks! I am SO excited about this!! It's so strange, how circumstances allow your perspectives to change.
When I first found out I was having twins, my biggest fear was premiee babies. I just KNEW in my heart that they were going to come early and the idea of it terrified me.
6 months ago, the idea of maybe just making it to 28 weeks scared the life out of me. But after all we have been through this past month, I now REJOICE that I have made it to 28 weeks.
I was only 24 weeks when we learned that we had TTTS and 24 weeks is the bare minimum that NICU is even qualified to assist babies born that soon plus babies born that soon AND have TTTS have even more complications than just a regular baby born at 24wks. . So it was very scary for me to think that my babies barely had a 50% chance, had they been born that early.
But now, their chances at 28 weeks are SO MUCH greater and their TTTS has been completely under control as if they dont even have it. So it is a very exciting day for us.
My girls are right around 2 pounds now. So they are still very tiny and they still have a LOT more developing and growing to do. Just because their survival rate outside the womb is greater now, doesnt mean we want them out just yet. We want them to have every possible chance at a healthy normal life. So please keep praying that they will grow in me for many more weeks to come and please keep praying that the TTTS will continue to be defeated in Jesus name!

This morning we had a ultra sound and the babies looked great. Emma had 5cm of fluid and Molly had 4.2cm! So their fluid levels are continuing to be stable at normal amounts. I am SO thankful this.
Although, the Dr hasnt done an official growth ultrasound, she says that both babies appear to be growing at the same size as well!
She also said that it looks like we will have TWO HEALTHY babies, as long as we can keep them in me for a while longer!!!

Hearing those words was like a breath of FRESH AIR.

Oh Mercy, it wont be long before i get to meet these two precious girls and I can not wait!!! Even if I were to go full term, (which for twins, dr's would only let me go to 36 weeks) I would only have 8 little weeks left!!!! So, I am counting down the days.

During the ultrasound, the DR was trying to see if Molly was practicing her breathing. She wanted to see her do this for atleast 30 seconds. I have seen Molly do this before so I knew that she could do it. But the DR wanted to see her do it today. So, she kept waiting and waiting for Molly to show us, and Molly just wouldnt do it. I just had this feeling that if I put my hand on my belly, where Molly was located that maybe she would do this for us. And so, jelly and all I stuck my hand on my belly and sure enough Miss Molly started breathing!!! She did this for 20 seconds! Oh my sweet girl....

Also, I constantly have 3 moniters on my belly. One moniter for each baby's heartbeat and then a 3rd moniter that watches for contractions. The babies move around so much that the nurses often have to come in and re-locate them with the moniter so that they can trace their heart rates again. When they come they will move the moniter all around my belly trying to find their heart rates and often times they cant find it because the babies are so "busy" its just hard for the moniter to trace them. When this happens I will just go with my gut on where I think each baby' is laying and where their heart rate can be found and I will tell the nurse " try right here" and it brings my heart SO much joy when she moves the moniter to where I said and we immediately hear "thump thump thump"..I just LOVE knowing where each baby is, and I love even more when I can tell the difference in which one is kicking or punching me.

Speaking of, as I am typing this Miss Emma is punching me. Silly girl. :)

I know this is getting long, but let me just add that this belly is HEAVY!!!! Everytime I stand up to go to the restroom, I feel like i am carrying 25 pounds of brick. Sometimes I feel like the girls could literally just fall out. It will be truly interesting to see how much more belly my little body can actually handle.

The more days that pass by, I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of going home. Of course, Im not going to leave until they make me but I am starting to have a peace about the idea of leaving. So thank you for those that have been praying for Rick and I to have clear guidance about what decisions to make and when. So much has been cloudy to us, that it is truly a gift when we can see clearly.

Continue to pray for our girls health, fluids, delivery, etc.

We can not thank you enough for all the prayers.
I am so excited about sharing them with all of you when they arrive!

It's God..Truly God

Today I had a nice talk with Dr G. and he said that while I could go home now, he is glad that I am here because he can have a closer watch on our babies this way. And well, I feel the exact same way. He said that as long as our insurance company doesnt start harassing he would like to see me stay here until I am 32 weeks! Wow! 32 weeks? 4 weeks ago, when I was admitted they didnt think I would make it to 28 and now they think I can go to 32? God is good!
Let's keep praying that the insurance doesnt try to interefere with the very close monitering my babies need and are able to recieve right now.

Dr G. would also like to see me deliver naturally. Hmmm, Im not sure how I feel about that. For 7 months I have been told I would have a C-section and I have come to being okay with that because Dr's told me it was safest for the babies and of course I want what is safest for them. But NOW, different Dr's are telling me that there is no medical reason why I shouldnt be able to deliver if both babies remain head down. So pray about this for me. I am so nervous with them being premeeies that the trauma from going through the birth canal may be too much on their little bodies, but Dr G doesnt seem to think so.

Also, something that really reminded me that God has His hand in all of this is that Dr G told me today, that in all his years of experience as a High Risk OB it has NOT been the norm for babies of Twin to Twin Syndrome to have their fluids equal out and REMAIN stable the way Emma and Molly's fluids have. Unless you have the laser surgery to correct the problem, its just not heard of that it corrects itself.


So again, I have to say THANK YOU for every person that has ever prayed a single prayer for my babies. They are strong little girls who are amazing the Doctors and God is amazing Me.

Today their fluids measured to be 4 cm for Molly and 3 cm for Emma!

Thank you God, just doesnt seem to say enough.

Ever since Dr G told us this morning that our girls are beating the odds I havent been able to get Rebecca St. James song out of my head. "God".

Here are the lyrics...google the video!

"It's God, truly God
Can you see can you hear can you touch can you feel
It's God, truly God
I can't explain any other way cuz it's God"