The Journey that inspired this blog began on January 22, 2010.
We had gone to my regular 24 week O.B. checkup where the Ultrasound Tech noticed that there appeared to be signs of TTTS occuring in my pregnancy. (To learn more about what TTTS actually is you may click here)
After calling in the Dr, it was confirmed that we were being diagnosed with the disease that every mom pregnant with twins fears. This disease is often a matter of non survival for either one or both babies.
I was immediately sent over to the O.B Specialist here in Columbia where they ultrasounded me for hours to get as many details as they possibly could about what was going on.
After I left their office I was sent over to the hospital where I was monitered 24/7 until the birth of my babies.
The very first week that I was in the hospital doctors were not very optimistic that my babies could survive what was happening to them. They told me that the best chance my babies had to pull through this TTTS was fetalscopic laser surgery. The surgery would have lasered out the blood vessels in my placenta that were connected, causing the blood flow of the placenta to go one way, instead of equally distributing the supply to both babies.
When I was denied this surgery due to the location of my placenta and my poor health throughout my pregnancy, Doctors had me prepare for the worst and even asked me if it came down to needing an emergency C-section due to the babies declining, which baby would I want them to save, because they didnt find it possible that both could make it anyhow.
And what a ridiculous question,if you ask me. One I never once gave thought too. I was going to bring 2 baby girls home with me. Not one. Not none. But BOTH.
Since I could not have the surgery to correct the TTTS the only other treatment available to help keep it under control and buy my girls more time in Utero was having Amniocentisis Reductions. This did not cure the TTTS or make it any better but it did help protect the girls a while longer. These procedures would be necessary when The Recipient baby would get to the point of recieving way too much of the placenta causing excess fluid to build up in her sac. This was dangerous because too much fluid could cause buildup around her heart, lungs, and other organs. Too much fluid was also a sign that the baby was recieving too much blood flow causing her heart having to work too hard to keep up with what its being given. Her heart being put into overdrive, put her at high risk for going into cardiac arrest.
Meanwhile, while the one baby is recieving too much of the placenta the Donor baby is not recieving enough, being deprived of everything she needs from the placenta in order to survive.
Everytime the Recipient baby would have a sac full of fluid, her sac would be so large that it would squoosh the Donor baby to where she had no room to retain what she needed. Often times the Donor baby would be "shrink wrapped"
When she would get close to the shrinkwrapped point or the other baby would get to the point of having a dangerous amount of fluid the amnio reductions would help stabilize their fluid levels.
They would insert a long needle into my stomach and go into my uterus and draw out fluid from the baby who had too much. In the beginning of our TTTS diagnosis, these reductions would only help the fluids stay stable for a couple days before another one was needed.
Every time the needle went into my uterus there was a risk of preterm labor or miscarriage. But not taking the chance was a sure death sentence for both babies.
The two months that followed, were some of the darkest points of my life. So many times I would just break out into panic attacks and have to have medication to help calm me down, because I was scared out of my mind that I may never get to know my baby girls that I already loved with my entire being.
I had never cried so many tears and prayed so many prayers. Before I knew it, I was overwhelmed with letters, emails, gifts, and phone calls from all kinds of people-most I had never even met nor heard of. All of them saying they were praying for my girls and they were believing with me that God would save my babies.
I was fortunate enough to have had such an amazing support group that I did not have to spend a single night alone in the hospital. My husband was there every single day- and on nights he had to work I was surrounded by friends and family who would stay with me.
On my really rough days Rick would crawl up in the hospital bed with me and just hold me.
My mom was very supportive and encouraging to me during this time as well.
I am not sure I would have made it through those months without all of the encouragement I recieved.
Whenever people would call to check on us, a lot of days I wouldnt answer my phone just because it was too painful to discuss. Other days, I would answer and I would try my best to sound so brave and well put together.
But I will never forget the day that my Grandma 1st called. I remember saying Hello, and hearing her cheerful optimistic yet very concerned voice on the other end. I knew that she was just trying to sound strong for me.
After she said Hi , she so gently asked how I was doing.
(This next part is important, because it shares, Why I feel that God took me through this journey.)
I remember saying so honestly to her, more honest than I had been able to sound to anyone at that point,
"Grandma, I am so scared. Please just pray that God will save my..." tears began to flood and I couldnt even speak anymore. But I remember so clearly her voice cracking and her nose sniffling and she said " I will sugar I will. Everything is going to be okay. It's okay.I love you. I am going to hang up and call Rick. Okay? I love you. ByeBye"
The two of us were so close and this was something that we couldnt even talk about with eachother because it pained both of us so much that all we could do is cry together and not talk. And somedays, that is all I needed anyways,was to just let it out.
I know that this is an entry about Our journey with TTTS, but my Grandma was a very special part of that journey for me. I know that so many friends and family prayed for my girls to make it here safely,and believe me when I say we appreciate all of you that poured your hearts out on our behalf.
But my Grandma didnt just pray, She prayed without ceasing. I know that almost every second of the day she was talking to God very directly, telling Him what she expected He do. The Bible says to take Authority when you pray, and my Grandma was a praying woman, and she talked to God like he was her friend. And she was very direct and honest with Him when she prayed. And when she had a heavy heart about something she did not leave God alone about it until her prayers were answered. So I always found comfort in knowing when I didn't have the energy to pray, she was already doing it for me.
My grandma gave me so much strength on days I literally had none. She always told me how strong I was, which floored me, because it was her kind of strength that I had always longed to have. I am not sure I would have made it through those months, had I not known she was praying the prayers a lot of times I didnt even have the words for.
Two days before my girls were born I began having horrible labor pains. I ached all over my body, especially in my back down to my feet. No matter what I did, I could not find any relief. It was no doubt, labor. Except, not a single doctor agreed with me. I lie not, when I say I went 2 solid days and could not sleep a straight ten minutes, the pain was that bad. The doctors kept checking my cervix and said that it couldnt be labor because there was no cervical change, and they just kept doping me up with meds so that I could just get some rest. Even the heaviest of drugs they gave me, could not knock me out. They were the kind of drugs that could typically make one sleep for days.
On day 3 I told Rick," I really dont know how much longer I can do this. Something is going on, and if it isnt labor then it is a lot worse and something needs to be done and no one is listening to me. Call my mom. "
I knew that my mom would get things moving along....My mom came to the hospital immediately. And she wasnt there 5 minutes before she had my Dr...not a resident or an on call dr....but my Dr in my room asking me what I specifically wanted from Him. And I told him, " I need you to deliver my babies, today. Right now. They need to come now" He looked at me as if I were crazy. He reminded me that I was only 32 weeks pregnant(as if i didnt know!) and then asked me if I was aware of the risks involved of him taking them so early. I told him, that it was a greater risk for them to not be born. I knew that something bad was going on inside of me and I told him that if he didnt deliver my babies that day that one of the three of us weren't going to make it.
I believe in my heart of hearts that God allowed me to have that conversation with the doctor, that he allowed me to have that earnest gut feeling of "they have to be born NOW" so that when the moments that followed played out that I would have had a peace and not be panicking.
The minute the doctor left the room, I was sitting on the edge of the bed, and I asked Rick to please bend over so I could put my arms around his neck, and he slowly pull me to a standing position because I needed to stretch my very aching back. As he slowly helped me stand up, a gush of warm water hit my feet. My mom was standing next to me, and Rick was infront of me, and I said so bluntly "my water broke"
The doctors didn't have to take my babies that day after all. God knew that they were ready to be born, and I believe that he used those past 2 days of pain to prepare me for the peace I had about them being born. Because trust me, every day before that ,I feared the day they were going to come because I was so afraid of them needing to be in NICU, but that day I had total peace about them coming. I knew it was time.
Doctors and Nurses rushed around like bats flying out of hell. And it was a very fast labor once my water finally broke. I went from 2cm to 10 all in 3 hours. I pushed for only 20 minutes. 19 minutes for Molly and only 1 min for Emma.
TTTS was truly taking its toll on my girls. Emma had dropped down to 2lbs 13oz and Molly was so swollen with fluid that she was 4lbs 2oz. Her face,chest, and body were so puffy. Neither baby was born breathing, and Emma had to have a blood transfusion the hour she was born.
I know without a doubt that one more day of them inside of me and the results would not have been as good as they were. Molly could not have handled much more fluid retaining in her little body, and Emma couldnt have survived loosing anymore blood or weight.
The girls were on oxygen for only 2 days before they could breathe without it. They only suffered Grade 1 and 2 brain bleeds...and their PDA and PFO heart valves were open but they did eventually close on their own. They had jaundice, an eye infection, and other minor things. God was so gracious to them. Not only did he save their life, but he also allowed them to not have any severe complications.
I have met many mothers who also had TTTS during their pregnancy and they were not as fortunate. A lot of them lost either one or both of their babies. So I realize, that my Girls are only here because of Grace. They are only here because God said so.
I will never cease in referring to them as my miracles, because that is exactly what they are. Our story could have played out so much different than it did. I do not feel deserving of the Mercy God had on me.
But my baby girls were very much deserving. They are here living and loving life. They are so full of joy, and I cant imagine this world without them in it. And I will never take for granted to how close we were, to not having them.
When I hear of other moms whose babies lost their battle to TTTS, I am reminded of how blessed I am to have my girls, but I also feel guilty. I dont understand what makes God decide which babies survive this and which babies don't. And I don't feel that I am anymore deserving than the next mom is. We all should be able to keep our babies and bring them home. But the reality, that not every mom gets to bring hers home has no doubt allowed me to put my best foot forward every step of the way when it comes to being their mom.
Some could say, my girls are a little spoiled. But to those I say...they deserve to be!
They have been through so much, and I have been through so much with them. At this point, I am just glad they are here.
I often wondered, if God was going to pull my girls through the TTTS battle, why did we even have to go through it to start with?
When my Grandma passed away, I knew the answer to that question.
When she left, a big part of me died too. My joy was taken from me as well as my faith.
People would try to encourage me by saying I would be with her again. And instead of finding comfort in that, I began to wonder, "how do I know there really is this glorious place called Heaven, where I could see her again? How do I know that I really will see her again? How do I know that my Grandma isnt just gone forever? How do I know that God is even real?"
And then, I look at my baby girls and I know that this is how I know.
Doctors said that I wouldnt make it past 27 weeks pregnant and I made it to 32.
Doctors said that one or both of my babies would most likely die and they both lived.
And countless women have lost their babies to the same disease that mine had.
It wasn't Doctors that saved my girls, because doctors didn't even believe they had a chance. Only God, can be credited to me being able to share my life with my 2 beautiful little girls.
And I can't say that I know what every single purpose God had for taking us through TTTS was, but I know what His purpose in my own life was. God used the TTTS journey to restore my faith in Him once I had to face this new journey of life without my Grandma.
TTTS was a very scary rollercoaster of fear for me, but it has brought me to brand new levels of Faith in Him.
I look forward to sharing with my girls one day their very own personal story of Amazing Grace.
