Happy Anniversary!

Today is 3 years since...

Our Wedding Day!

We had a sitter for today and for tomorrow as well so that we could have some much needed time together.

Here is a quick shot of me and my pretty girls right before we left. 

It was a bitter sweet time being away from all the work two toddlers brings. And though my body "rested", my mind was working overtime. I could not stop thinking about them, worrying about them, and feeling guilty for not being with them.

I guess that just comes with being a mom.

These little people are always linked to us, no matter how far we try to run :)

This is the huge wave pool at Carowinds!

The wave pool was the most fun for me! I loved it. They crank up those waves for about ten minutes straight every 15 minutes or so, and I swear...if these were waves at the beach they would have a red flag up for sure!

They were so big, and strong,and fast... if I didn't have a float to hold on to, I seriously would have drowned!

But the thrill made it SO exciting!

This is a random ole man, shamelessly sporting his Umbrella Hat around in public!

I mean WHO knew, that such thing even exsisted? HA! Crack Me Up!

And we got LOTS of sun on our full day at the water park!

These past three years have been some of the most trying times of my life! We have had a whirlwind of events surround us during the short time we have been married.

Just in the first 6 months of our new marriage, Rick's Plant he was at for 10 years shut down, so we were on a very limited  one income for a while, and during that time we had a dear friend of mine in need of a place to stay, move in with her 2 younger children.

 Rick finally got hired on with a wonderful company just in time for me to get laid off, almost immediately after. And then my friend moved out and that same week we started foster parenting, where we met "Monkey Boy" ( as u know him) and his sister Olga.

5 months into that, their Aunt came along and wanted him back, and the day she picked him up for good from us...was the same day I found out I am pregnant with twins!

It's no secret I had a horrible pregnancy. I could not get out of bed for anything because my body was so incredibly weak. If I had to imagine what Death felt like....it was all the ways I felt the first 4 months of my pregnancy. So many days I swore I would not survive my pregnancy. I was so miserable & weak that Rick had to come home on his lunch breaks to bring me Ice out of the freezer. I was so weak that I literally could not get out of bed to walk to the kitchen for fluids even though  my life depended on it. I rarely had to use the restroom bc I stayed so dehydrated. Rick lost 20 lbs during my pregnancy because He could not cook in the house. Every little smell, had me hurling my guts out. After losing 12 pounds and about 3-4 times of being hospitalized for dehydration, I had to stay hooked up to an IV pump  at home that kept anti-nausea meds in me 24/7. After a couple months of wearing that I slowly began to regain strength, and was able to eat & drink some things again. 
AND just as soon as I was feeling human again I got diagnosed with TTTS where I lived in fear of my children's lives for the next 8 weeks in the hospital.  Then the babies were born and I did not miss a single day of being with them during their 4 week stay at NICU...and once they came home I finally felt like my life was Whole Again.

We established a routine, and "whew!" we can finally breathe!

That "whole" feeling didnt last long, just 4 months after my girls came home my Grandma passed away, and I have been damaged in ways I could never explain.

And now our itty bitty babies are now tantrum throwing toddlers :) Who keep us very very exhausted & busy. But when I think back to the days I thought I would never get to watch them grow up, their tantrums bring me some twisted sense of relief.

I say All that to say, Our lives have been so hectic during these past 3 years. We have had a series of events surround us, and through it all our love has remained stable.   There is no other person in this world that I could have surrived these times with.
Every trying moment we have worked through and every blessing we have counted.

My dad has told me often how he sees me & Rick celebrating our 25 years together. And that makes me feel so proud when I hear that.

I know that no one else on earth could love me the way Rick does, and I don't even feel  I am deserving of a love so great. But I am thankful beyond anyones imagination that I have it.

As a mom, and also going through the grieving process of losing my Grandma, I have had many stressful moments. Okay, Countless Stressful Moments. So on the outside, I may not always look all the blessed ways I feel on the inside. But even on my hardest days, I am sure to tell Rick how much I love him and how very special he is to me.

I could not imagine this life without him. To me there would be no life without him.

He is the best person in the world to me and the only person that has ever made me feel like pure gold.

I love him more than I could ever show or say.

Happy 3rd Anniversary Baby, and I look forward to many many more.

15 Months

15 Months

sisters & best friends

Hold on, I need a tissue....

Okay. I am back.

Seriously...15 months? How did this happen so fast?

I am having the time of my life being their Mommy!

I have my occassional days that I would like to jump off a bridge, haha...but nothing in the world compares to the joy they bring me.

They are Beautiful, Amazing Little Girls. And while I do miss them being my 4 & 5 pound little girls, I am so excited about the toddlers they are turning into!

I can't wait to see what the future holds for our lives together as they grow

 from our sweet babies, to our sweet big girls!

My Sweet Molly Bear,

At 15 Months you are right at 16 pounds with your clothes on.

You are My Little Rug Rat! I am convinced You crawl faster than Emma can walk!

You make Mommy giggle every time you are crawling a direction you aren't suppose to be, you always turn your head over your shoulder to see if I am looking and when you see me coming for you, you up your speed  x's 20 ! lol 

Mommy tells you, that you can run...  but never fast enough that I can't catch you. :)

Your Climbing continues to amaze me. You know how to climb on anything you want to get to!

Including, climbing in the Storybook bucket @ the Library's storytime! :)

Silly Girl! :)

You have gone from emptying out all of your drawers on the bottom drawer, to now emptying out the drawer above that one too! So now, Mommy has TWICE the amount to clean up after you have had a hard days play!

One of the things that melts my heart the most, is when you and your sister on your own go to your bedroom and play.  Whenever I go in there to check on you, I am SURE I am about to find you girls into a big mess you aren't suppose to be in, because you are SO quiet....but nope. You are just sitting there next to eachother playing with your toys.

It makes me want to cry everytime I see this, because it is just one more reminder of how big you are getting. And how you are growing from my baby to my big girl, right before my eyes!

You are waiving Bye Bye, and Hello all the time now. It is so cute to me how you waive. You waive with an open hand while moving your arm up & down.

Everytime Mommy tells you your food is all gone, you clap your hands. You are a wonderful eater! You eat almost everything we eat. You are not a very picky eater. But you do have Your favorites. Right now they are Chicken Nuggets, Carrots, Oatmeal, Banannas,& Yogurt.

Lately, you have been eating more than Emma!

 

You are like a little squirrel when you eat! you pack them jaws as tight as you can with food! This makes mommy so nervous because you are not the best chewer! You love to fill the mouth up and then just swallow! So I have to be very careful about how much food I put on your tray at a time. You love to overload!

You now have 4 teeth! 2 top & 2 bottom! And a 3rd one trying to come through up top as well.

Mommy thinks you look super extra adorable when you have pig tails in your hair!

  

You also now have enough hair for a big girl pony tail!
A short stubby pony tail, but one nonetheless! :)

You are still in Phyisical Therapy twice a week. You are getting much better with using your leg/foot but you still have a ways to go before you will be able to walk. I have faith that you will get there, and what a huge milestone that will be! I can't wait to see you achieve it!

You make the silliest faces! Your facial expressions demonstrate how much personality you have!

One face in particular, I love and it is my favorite face of all! It is your " I don't think so" face...you make it whenever something isn't the way you want it to be.

It looks like this....

                

         scrunched up nose, and an open mouth...

And when you are being REALLY dramatic, that face looks like this!

haha! It makes me laugh every time!

You now say "uh" ...like... "-uh-oh" but it is just the "uh!" and you say it with a suprised look on your face!

Anytime you drop something, you say "uh" and whenever you see Emma fall down, you say really suprised looking " UH!"  it makes Mommy & Daddy giggle everytime!

You seem to be more dependant on Mommy.  You whine to be held a lot, and you like me to do everything for you. You still have a lot of "baby" in you, but Mommy will let you be her baby as long as possible! :) Even if it does absolutley wear me out some days...:)

Everytime you wake up whether in the morning or from a nap, as soon as you see Mommy or Daddy come into the room you Cheese the absolute biggest grin, and you squeal "Hey" as you are bouncing up & down in your crib! You continue to be my snuggle bug. You love to cuddle.  You are my Angel!  

A prissy, dramatic angel, that is :-)

Mommy is so very proud of you! You are my special girl and I love you so much!

My Sweet Emma Grace,

At 15 Months you are right at 18 lbs with your clothes on.

You are My Big Girl! Though you are a whole minute younger than your sister, you are definitley the Big Sister in more than one way!

You weigh more and you are the leader! You get your sister into a whole lot of trouble because she has to do everything you do! LOL

J/K on the trouble part, but you do teach her how to get into a lot of no-no places! Lol

The two of you humor me, how you have to copy eachother!
You can go all day with a bow in your hair but if you see Molly take her bow out, you immediately have to take yours out too.

Mommy loves to try and play with your hair but you rarely let me. You always move my hands away, shake your head, and squirm out of my lap.
You are very independant, and love to be busy. Whenever your sister gets a paci, toy, or cup...you have to rush over and be all up in her space because you want what she has :)

If she is climbing on something, you have to climb on it too.

You are now walking everywhere! And I mean everywhere! Mommy smiles really big on the inside when she sees you trottin' around the house. I can't believe this time is already here!

You just got dismissed from your Physical Therapy! Yay!

You are so cute when you waive bye-bye! You waive by opening and closing your hand.

You clap with a big grin on your face,whenever Mommy tells you, your food is all gone, or whenever you hear "yay!"  OR whenever you have decided on your own that you are done eating. You clap to let me know! lol

You are very peculiar when you eat.  Certain textures annoy you. And somethings you just will not eat. Hamburger meat is not a favorite for you! But you do love you some chicken nuggets! 

When Mommy tries to give you a bite of food and you still have food in your mouth from a previous bite, you will shake your head no and you will not take the next bite until you have swallowed your food! I love this about you!

You have 2 top teeth & 2 bottom. And You have more teeth that will be coming up top very soon!

You know where your nose is!

When Mommy says "Where's Emma's nose?" You smile really big and point to your nose with your index finger.

And when Mommy says "Where's Mommy's Nose"  You giggle and squeeze my nose!

It was a major proud Mommy moment when I first saw you do this!

In the mornings or in the afternoons after nap time, you smile so very big when you see mommy or daddy come into the room! You get so excited you squeal "hey" as you are literally jumping up and down!

One thing that you recently started to do, is when you get sleepy, you will go to your room and get your blankie and you will walk around the house with the blankie against your face until Mommy lays you down. I absolutely LOVE seeing you do this. I can't believe how fast you are growing up!

           Emma walking to her room at bedtime

           It brings tears to my eyes, she looks like such a big girl!



Anytime you hear "bouncy bouncy bouncy" you smile really big, giggle, and then bounce up and down! It is precious! Here is a video of you going bouncy on your Zebra!

You and Molly often fight over whose turn it is to be on the Zebra! I actually caught a picture of you two debating whose turn it was! Click picture to enlarge. (Must see Molly's face! LOL)

Mommy sits on the floor with you girls everyday, and you and your sister have made me your personal jungle gym! You grab on to my clothes, and pull yourself on to every inch of my body. And if I have Molly on one leg, and you on the other, you seem to always end up on Molly's side.

The two of you fight over me quite often. :)

A whole house full of toys, and the remote controls, and My cell phone seem to be your favorites! You are told 100 times a day you cant play with those but it never stops you from trying!

When Mommy tells you "No No", you love to act like you didn't hear me but I know you do because I can tell by the look in your eye brows. You raise those brows when you are feeling sassy.

You screech now! When you are mad, or when you want me to give you something, (like if im feeding you and Molly at the same time, and I am not giving you your next bite fast enough..) .. you Screech at me with SO MUCH sas in your brow!

You are a chunk of mess! :)

You are my special baby girl! And I love you so very much!

Molly & Emma,

Mommy & Daddy are very proud of the big girls you are turning into!

Happy 15 Months!

Birthday Celebrations!

Today is my Baby Brother's 14th Birthday! It is so hard to believe that he is already 14. I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday! He was such a beautiful, happy little boy! Really was just an amazing little baby!

And he is still so precious to me! :)

Tomorrow is Grandmomma's Birthday, ( Terry's Mom) so today we celebrated both of their birthdays!

Waiting to blow out the candles, while the rest of us are singing to them :)

And there they go! :)

Megan & Emille wanted a picture with Molly & Emma....

And this is what we got! :)

Sweet Cousins walking around the house with Emma!

Happy Birthday Parkman! And Happy Birthday to you Grandmomma!

We Love You Both so Very Much!

Happy Father's Day!

Dear Daddy,

Thank you for all you do for our family. Thank you for working extra hard  so that Mommy can stay home with us. Thank you for spending time with us first thing every morning, so that Mommy can get some extra rest before her day begins. We love our Daddy Daughter time with you. Thank you for making us giggle,  Thank you for Playing with us, Thank you for teaching us, Thank you for laughing with us, Thank you for being the BEST Daddy we could ever want! 

Most of all, Thank you for loving us!

You are so Good to us, and we love you so much more than we could ever put into words!

Love Always,

Emma & Molly :-)

This is Rick last year, on his 1st Father's Day as a Daddy!

(Emma-Left, Molly Right)

And Father's Day this year!
(Molly-Left, Emma-Right)

We had a very busy day today!

We went to breakfast with My Dad, and afterwards came home for the girls to get a nap, and then since today was also my little brother's birthday, we headed over to Terry's to celebrate with family over a nice dinner!

Rick's dad was working so we sadly didnt get to see him today!

Dear Rick,

Thank you for being the wonderful father that you are. You go over and beyond to provide for our family, and you even go the extra mile in being hands on with our girls so that I don't have to do it alone.

 You are so loving, fun, and dependable. I feel so priviledged that my children have such a wonderful Daddy in You.

I Love You More & More Each Day!

Happy Father's Day!!!

I made a really cute card for Rick from the girls. Included pictures, handprints, etc. He Loved it!

Hope You All Had A Great Day!

Happy 1st Birthday Haddon!

Today is Haddon's Birthday. I took the girls over to swim at Haddon's & to enjoy some yummy cupcakes!

His birthday party isnt until Sunday but we had our own celebration with Him today. :)

Haddon's Due Date was 1 month after Molly & Emma's Due Date, but with my girls being born so early, they ended up being 3 months older than Haddon.

Haddon & His Mommy Trish

Oh Emma, the nose picking is just hilarious!

Just Having Some Fun by the Pool!

Another one of Molly's Awesome Faces!

I love this kid!

This is the first time they have ever climbed stairs!

They were Pro's!

* Do you see how Molly has her foot turned in, in the above picture?

This is part of the reason she is in physical therapy twice a week.

She finds ways to pull up, climb, etc, but she avoids putting a lot of pressure on her foot.

She is getting better with this, Because she will sometimes use her foot briefly as opposed to never using it, but I know that it is going to be a long time before she can walk. :(

If you compare Emma (on the top step) to Molly(bottom step) you can see that Emma is climbing the steps by using her legs & feet and she is just using her arm for support to get to the next step....but if you look at Molly...you can see that she is more like dragging her legs while using her whole upper body for support by leaning...and not just using her arms.

Does that make sense? Anyways, just pray for her! She does better about using her leg/foot in a lot of areas but she still needs lots more practice.

Cupcake Time!

Aren't they cute chowing down? :)

The Birthday Boy Having His 1st Cupcake!

Love this Picture of my Beautiful Molly eating her Cupcake!

My Pretty Little Emma Looking All Serious About Her Next Bite!

Haha! Emma looks as if she is going to snatch Haddon's cupcake any moment!

I love this Silly Girl!

She is going to be the kid that steals other kids lunches at school!

LOL

Sweet Babies!

Happy Birthday Haddon! We Love You!

 

Blessings

 What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

It has been just over 9 months since I lost the beat of my heart, and I wonder if some may just get tired of coming to my blog reading about something so depressing as death.

I am going to say, if you feel that way you may want to skip over this entry. Because I am going to be more brutal than I have ever been on this subject.

At the same time, it is my hope that if you have ever been through a "Rock Bottom" season of your life, that you would be blessed by what is weighing so heavy on my heart.

When my Grandma who is my Rock, my Leader, my Hero, my very closest Friend, was called home to be with Jesus, it hit me harder than anything in this Life has ever hit me before.

I have been on this journey called "life" for 26 years and I have had to climb so many mountains, in hopes to come out better once I  have reached the other side.

I have faced things that many have not.

And I always felt like no matter what I was up against, and no matter how hard or painful the battle might be to fight, I knew I could do it because my Grandma was motivating me, cheering me on, she would help me dig deep for strength I didn't even know I had.

When I lost her, I lost that security.

Now at a time in my life when I need her pushing me the hardest, cheering me on the loudest, and praying for me the most...she is not here to do that.

I feel like I have been sent up the creek without a paddle.

I need her so much right now, and the distance between us is somedays unbearable.

I have never understood people who loose someone SO close to them, or who have experienced a loss so great, who can just shrug their shoulders, shake their head and say " well they're in a better place now" or " i'll see them again someday" or " God has a plan"

I mean are they really SO disconnected from their emotions that they can't allow themselves to be overcome by sadness & grief?

Or is it that they are just hiding behind this wall, because they are too prideful for others see their weakness?  Their vulneralabilty, their pain?

So they cover up with this righteous "better place" act ?

Or maybe it just hurts them SO much, that they can't allow themselves to actually feel the hurt?

I mean surely people who react to a major life change in such a easy going way, DONT really feel so nonchalant  inside? 

And if they do, HOW? How can it be SO easy to just MOVE ON from the fact that someone you loved with all your heart, someone who was such a active person in your life, someone who meant the entire world to you is now GONE and as long as you live, you will never have them apart of your life again....how in the world can that just be something you move on from so easily,

just like that?

I cant say that I will ever be over this, or that I will ever rejoice my Grandmother's death even though it does mean life with Jesus, I just can not, will not, ever get excited about that.

But I can say that I look forward to the day I get to see her again.

I miss her dearly, and I am thankful that she is no longer living a life of sickness and pain, but selfishly I still want her here with me.

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

I know that when I hear people say she's in a better place, that it has truth to it. But the truth is that I have a very hard time accepting that truth as MY reality.

I know that all the times I prayed God would heal her, and let her be okay, and to please not take her from me just yet... He instead had her breathe her last breath...

I realize that God expects me to pray in faith, and to praise in faith as well.

But as she died, my faith was weakened because God ignored my cries, and every day I am left wondering, why he chose to do this to me, and why NOW?

Not that anytime would ever be a good time to have her out of my life forever, but I just feel like I prayed so MUCH and SO hard and SO loud, SURELY  God had to know how incredibly difficult this was going to be for me,  when He decided that He just wasnt going to listen. Surely, He had to know how many sleepless nights, and tears this would bring me?

Did that not matter?

I mean He IS God. He could have just spoken and she would have been healed.  His words into air could have healed her body here on earth so that her family could still be enjoying this life with her.
Something SO simple for Him to have done, and He chose not to!

It doesn't make sense to me, and so it is very hard for me to feel He is near, because at such a desperate lonely time in my life, I feel like I have been forsaken.

And everytime I come to the point of wanting to be mad at Him, I remember that just a couple months before my Grandma died, I was crying those same desperate pleas of healing and life over my two baby girls and those cries He DID infact answer.

 If there were ever a time I truly wanted to give God my life, it was when my Girls were brought healing and safety.  I was (am) thankful beyond words.

Maybe God chose to not heal my Grandma here on earth because all she ever talked about was Heaven and the excitement she felt over  getting to meet her Savior.

Maybe He did this not to spite me, ignore me, or forsake me, but to reward HER because she was such an incredible servant and faithful Child of God and she truly longed for the day that she got to see Him face to face.

 She had been storing up her treasures in Heaven for So LONG and even when God took her through the most difficult times of her life, she never once turned her back on Him, and so Maybe God was just ready to show her His glory and tell her "Well done thy Good and faithful servant"  because more than any person I have ever known in my life...she truly was a Child after God's own heart and she honestly was excited about the day she got to see Her Savior's face!

I will never be over the fact that she is gone, and what has really damaged me the most, is that I watched her go. I have been forever scarred by the events that took place in her last days.

And though my heart breaks, every moment of the day because I truly long for her to be here with me, I am slowly catching on and starting to see that

 Sometimes the trials of this life, Really are blessings in disguise. 

My very scary journey through TTTS continues to serve as a reminder to me that though my Grandma is not here with me, God is not a neglectful God...He gave my babies a life I was told they couldnt have...and He gave my Grandma a new life that SHE was ready to have.

Are you able to see the Rain, the Storms, the Hardest Nights, as His Mercies in Disguise?

I can not say that I immediately see the blessings through the trials, and through His unanswered prayers...But as time goes on I continue to pray for Healing within my self for the damage that these trials have caused...and though I may not "feel" or "see" His Mercies right away, I must go on Faith that they ARE there.  

Watch this video, and be blessed! It touches me every time!

Through the Life & Death of the most Amazing Woman I have ever known, I am forever changed.
Forever and ever Grandma, I love you. This earth is not my home, and I can't wait to spend forever with you! I pray every day, that I can be the woman of so much love, grace, and character to my children that you have always been for me. I pray they will always allow me to speak into their lives the way I have welcomed you to have a voice in mine. 

You are the beat of my heart...and not even death can change that!

A Trip to the Waterpark!

Today we took an exciting trip to the waterpark with Rick's Sister Stacey, and her two kids Jackson & Savannah.

We truly had such an amazing fun time. I really really enjoyed our time together playing in the water!

And I KNOW all of the kids enjoyed it too!

Daddy & Emma

Going down the Lazy River!

Molly & Mommy

Going down the lazy river

Daddy & Emma playing in the kiddie water.

The water is more clear than bath water!

Love these girls!!

Daddy & Molly in the Kiddie Pool

Another one of Molly's Many Facial Expressions!

Mommy & Emma Grace!

SIlly Molly Standing in the Water!

A Very Sleepy Emma Standing in the Water Too!

Aunt Stacey, Emma, & Savannah

Uncle Rick and Jackson had way too much on the water slides!

Thank You Savannah & Jackson for coming to play

with us today!

Yay! For a VERY fun day!

(Molly-L, Emma-R)

After leaving the water park we took all of the kids to eat pizza!

It was the perfect ending to a great day!

1st Big Swim!

Molly & Emma finally had their first experience in a big pool :)

Here are some pictures from their first fun experience!

Daddy & Molly

 ( she looks like such a big girl in this picture!)

Daddy's Girls :)

 Mommy's Girls Too :)

Mommy & Emma

Molly & Mommy

Daddy & Emma

Our Family

Best Friends!

 

 They had so much fun swimming today!