Blessings

 What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

It has been just over 9 months since I lost the beat of my heart, and I wonder if some may just get tired of coming to my blog reading about something so depressing as death.

I am going to say, if you feel that way you may want to skip over this entry. Because I am going to be more brutal than I have ever been on this subject.

At the same time, it is my hope that if you have ever been through a "Rock Bottom" season of your life, that you would be blessed by what is weighing so heavy on my heart.

When my Grandma who is my Rock, my Leader, my Hero, my very closest Friend, was called home to be with Jesus, it hit me harder than anything in this Life has ever hit me before.

I have been on this journey called "life" for 26 years and I have had to climb so many mountains, in hopes to come out better once I  have reached the other side.

I have faced things that many have not.

And I always felt like no matter what I was up against, and no matter how hard or painful the battle might be to fight, I knew I could do it because my Grandma was motivating me, cheering me on, she would help me dig deep for strength I didn't even know I had.

When I lost her, I lost that security.

Now at a time in my life when I need her pushing me the hardest, cheering me on the loudest, and praying for me the most...she is not here to do that.

I feel like I have been sent up the creek without a paddle.

I need her so much right now, and the distance between us is somedays unbearable.

I have never understood people who loose someone SO close to them, or who have experienced a loss so great, who can just shrug their shoulders, shake their head and say " well they're in a better place now" or " i'll see them again someday" or " God has a plan"

I mean are they really SO disconnected from their emotions that they can't allow themselves to be overcome by sadness & grief?

Or is it that they are just hiding behind this wall, because they are too prideful for others see their weakness?  Their vulneralabilty, their pain?

So they cover up with this righteous "better place" act ?

Or maybe it just hurts them SO much, that they can't allow themselves to actually feel the hurt?

I mean surely people who react to a major life change in such a easy going way, DONT really feel so nonchalant  inside? 

And if they do, HOW? How can it be SO easy to just MOVE ON from the fact that someone you loved with all your heart, someone who was such a active person in your life, someone who meant the entire world to you is now GONE and as long as you live, you will never have them apart of your life again....how in the world can that just be something you move on from so easily,

just like that?

I cant say that I will ever be over this, or that I will ever rejoice my Grandmother's death even though it does mean life with Jesus, I just can not, will not, ever get excited about that.

But I can say that I look forward to the day I get to see her again.

I miss her dearly, and I am thankful that she is no longer living a life of sickness and pain, but selfishly I still want her here with me.

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

I know that when I hear people say she's in a better place, that it has truth to it. But the truth is that I have a very hard time accepting that truth as MY reality.

I know that all the times I prayed God would heal her, and let her be okay, and to please not take her from me just yet... He instead had her breathe her last breath...

I realize that God expects me to pray in faith, and to praise in faith as well.

But as she died, my faith was weakened because God ignored my cries, and every day I am left wondering, why he chose to do this to me, and why NOW?

Not that anytime would ever be a good time to have her out of my life forever, but I just feel like I prayed so MUCH and SO hard and SO loud, SURELY  God had to know how incredibly difficult this was going to be for me,  when He decided that He just wasnt going to listen. Surely, He had to know how many sleepless nights, and tears this would bring me?

Did that not matter?

I mean He IS God. He could have just spoken and she would have been healed.  His words into air could have healed her body here on earth so that her family could still be enjoying this life with her.
Something SO simple for Him to have done, and He chose not to!

It doesn't make sense to me, and so it is very hard for me to feel He is near, because at such a desperate lonely time in my life, I feel like I have been forsaken.

And everytime I come to the point of wanting to be mad at Him, I remember that just a couple months before my Grandma died, I was crying those same desperate pleas of healing and life over my two baby girls and those cries He DID infact answer.

 If there were ever a time I truly wanted to give God my life, it was when my Girls were brought healing and safety.  I was (am) thankful beyond words.

Maybe God chose to not heal my Grandma here on earth because all she ever talked about was Heaven and the excitement she felt over  getting to meet her Savior.

Maybe He did this not to spite me, ignore me, or forsake me, but to reward HER because she was such an incredible servant and faithful Child of God and she truly longed for the day that she got to see Him face to face.

 She had been storing up her treasures in Heaven for So LONG and even when God took her through the most difficult times of her life, she never once turned her back on Him, and so Maybe God was just ready to show her His glory and tell her "Well done thy Good and faithful servant"  because more than any person I have ever known in my life...she truly was a Child after God's own heart and she honestly was excited about the day she got to see Her Savior's face!

I will never be over the fact that she is gone, and what has really damaged me the most, is that I watched her go. I have been forever scarred by the events that took place in her last days.

And though my heart breaks, every moment of the day because I truly long for her to be here with me, I am slowly catching on and starting to see that

 Sometimes the trials of this life, Really are blessings in disguise. 

My very scary journey through TTTS continues to serve as a reminder to me that though my Grandma is not here with me, God is not a neglectful God...He gave my babies a life I was told they couldnt have...and He gave my Grandma a new life that SHE was ready to have.

Are you able to see the Rain, the Storms, the Hardest Nights, as His Mercies in Disguise?

I can not say that I immediately see the blessings through the trials, and through His unanswered prayers...But as time goes on I continue to pray for Healing within my self for the damage that these trials have caused...and though I may not "feel" or "see" His Mercies right away, I must go on Faith that they ARE there.  

Watch this video, and be blessed! It touches me every time!

Through the Life & Death of the most Amazing Woman I have ever known, I am forever changed.
Forever and ever Grandma, I love you. This earth is not my home, and I can't wait to spend forever with you! I pray every day, that I can be the woman of so much love, grace, and character to my children that you have always been for me. I pray they will always allow me to speak into their lives the way I have welcomed you to have a voice in mine. 

You are the beat of my heart...and not even death can change that!