How to Deal?

Two weeks ago today, my precious Pawpaw's battle with cancer came to an end and He joined my lovely Grandma at the feet of Jesus.
When my Grandma passed away, it was by far the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I am still learning to "deal" with it. For a very very long time, following her death, I sunk into a terrible depression. I was angry, crying, bitter, and everything else. And then a year after my Grandma passed, my Pawpaw found out that he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
So then not only was I completely broken over who I had already lost, but I then became shaken over who I was about to loose.
For the past year, I have watched my Pawpaw die in front of me. It has been heartbreaking, scary, and all other kinds of emotions I don't even have the words for. It has just been extremely hard. Every day that we talked, I never knew if it would be the last or not. Every time I saw him, I didn't know if there would even be a next time.
It has been a roller coaster of fear for all of us.
He however, remained confident, faithful, and thankful until his very last breath. The faith he consistently held on to through his journey with cancer has helped me be strong.
Because he openly talked  with me about the fact that he was dying helped give me a sense of peace that I wasn't able to have when my Grandma unexpectedly left this earth.
He was able to help prepare my mind & my heart for life without him, through his willingness to discuss so  fearlessly about the fact He would soon meet Jesus.
The phrase "Praise Him through the Storm" was surely my Pawpaw's legacy that he left behind. He never once complained or expressed fear or anger about the fact he had cancer. Instead, He always without fail thanked God that it wasn't as "bad" as it could be.  He couldn't eat, or drink, or even walk in the end. But still he "Praised the Lord" (his words) that He wasn't in pain or hungry. He always, saw the glass half full.
His spirit and his attitude through his journey with cancer, has left such an impact on me and I will never ever forget it.
He told me to stay strong, and after witnessing day in and day out how strong he remained through this entire process it has motivated me to carry his strength, and keep my head held high.
I know that if I just sit at home, I will think, I will cry, I will get angry, I will fall back into the depression I was in when my Grandma died. I know this because I know myself. My grandparents were the absolute #1 people in my life. There was no question about it. I could never ever in enough words explain how close and how valuable they were and still are to me. Rick and I spent our honeymoon with them bc my Grandma was too sick to travel, and I did not want them to miss out on seeing me in my dress. So I took my wedding gown to them, and we had our pictures made together.
I can never think of a time that I wasn't close to them. I Just remember them always being there. And now they aren't.

I have kept myself so busy because I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts. I don't even watch TV at night because I don't want my mind to wonder. I literally go go go until I crash at night.
All the while, I am going, I am doing so with a heavy heavy heart. I just want to stop and cry, for just 5 minutes I need to grieve. For just five minutes I need to let it all out. For just 5 minutes I need to just scream and ask God why why why??? But I am too afraid to. So I continue to just go.

Today while driving the girls to a birthday party, they fell asleep in the car, so it was just me, myself and a whole lot of baggage I have been carrying around. The tears began to fall. And I have felt stuck this whole day.

I am so completely overwhelmed by the thought that not only is my Grandma not here but my Pawpaw isn't either. How did this happen??? How did the two people I have admired my whole life, get snatched away from me? I never imagined losing them. I know in reality people don't live forever, but I just never thought that they would die.

When my Grandma died it was the first time I had to deal with something like this, and honestly if I was being graded on how I handled it...epic fail would be the score.
I have told myself that I would do it differently this time because Pawpaw has put so much faith in me to stay strong. This is the last thing I will ever get to do for him. So I am trying so hard to make him proud.
But PRAY for me. Because I miss him terribly. I miss sharing stories about my kids with him, I miss hearing stories about him and Grandma in the days of old, I miss the encouragement and comfort he gave me when I was down. I miss feeling my Grandma's spirit alive in him.
I so badly just want to mope around and be sad and let myself feel the pain that is deep inside me. But I am fighting it. I am trying to keep myself together. But today when I had my mini melt down, and haven't been able to pull it back together, I decided that I am probably in need of a good date with my blog.
Maybe if I just blog it all out, I will feel better, and tomorrow will be a better day.

But then again, what if tomorrow isn't a better day? Tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of my beautiful amazing grandmother. And I am still not over her death.
I am not sure how to deal with this circle of life thing. I have never had to do this before, 2 years ago I almost lost my 2 beautiful baby girls, and when they survived, I thought my life would finally be completely whole. But in the two short years of their life,  I have lost 2 other very special people to me. And here I am. Trying to make sense of it all, and it's just not clicking. I am a very emotional person. So trying to hide my emotions is not something I am at all good at.

I had a revelation today on my quiet drive to that birthday party.
I don't need to ignore my pain. I don't need to pretend my Pawpaw did not die. I don't need to stay so active to keep from dealing with my grief.
I just need to learn to handle this kind of stuff in a graceful way. If I need to cry, cry. But then pick myself up and finish out my day. Don't let my grief consume my entire being.

I am so used to leaning on them for emotional support. That I now just feel so lonely they aren't here and it makes my grief even harder to manage. So i try to ignore it, because I don't know how to deal with it. They aren't here to tell me what I am suppose to do. I feel completely stranded.

I am going to get through this.
I just needed to let out this really long ramble because all day long I have missed my Pawpaw and Grandma tremendously. I have wanted to talk to them so bad. I have wanted to hug them, and just feel their hands against mine. I don't have that. And I will never for as long as I live, ever have that again.
 I don't want to be a basket case every day. So for today my blogging, is my outlet.
If you have managed to read all this, kudos to you.

I really just needed to vent.
Now that I have let it out, hopefully, I can rest a little better tonight.