Birthday Angel

Today My Prayer is that Jesus gave my Grandma a huge hug from me, & whispered happy earthly birthday in her ear.

Days without her do not seem any easier yet, but I'm told one day it will be. It just hasn't happened for me yet.
I still feel dead inside. Numb. Very lonely without her here. I miss the friendship we shared. I miss being able to confide in her & being able to soak in every bit of wisdom she had to offer.

I try to hide all the pain in my heart & focus on just being the best  mom I can be & the wife Rick deserves for me to be. And I feel like most days I do a pretty good job. But behind the mom & wife in me, at the end of every day I still go to bed missing that wonderful lady I was so blessed to have in my life all these years.

I am not sure I will ever be completely whole again.

I still feel her presence in my soul & I am quite blessed to have frequent dreams of her still here hanging out with me. Those peaceful moments of bliss help keep me sane on the really rough days.

I still feel like I have part of her here with me when I am talking to or visiting with Pawpaw.  He is the other half of her and she was the other half of him.

I truly have been given one of the most precious gifts I could ever ask for. Not everyone is blessed with the closeness I have had in my grandparents. I will be eternally grateful for what they have always been in my life.

Please continue to keep Pawpaw in your prayers. I don't blog much about his journey through the C word just because it's way too hard for me to talk about. I am still heavily grieving the loss of my Grandma, my heart just is not ready to face the possibilities of what this too may bring.
 
I just try to enjoy him as Pawpaw and not really Pawpaw "with cancer"...if that makes sense.

I talk to God about it & I talk to Pawpaw about it if he brings it up. But otherwise, I try to pretend it's not there. I am not sure how healthy this approach is, because in the back of my mind I still have this fear that wont go away, and I have this heaviness in my heart that never seems to ease...but still I keep pushing those fears away trying not to think much on them. I can't stomach the thought of him suffering. It breaks my heart beyond repair.

I love him so much. I truly do. He is the dearest most precious man I've ever known. If  I could do anything at all to fix this I would do it in a second.

But all I can do is pray, and ask you to pray too.  Pray that no matter what, God gives Pawpaw pain free days so that whether in 6 months or 6 years he is able to enjoy this life till the very end.

Through it all, that is my biggest desire. Pain free days.

We are planning a trip to see him very soon coming up. And I can not wait. I wish that I was able to just be with him every day and never have to leave. I have always wanted to live near my grandparents but that is not the life God planned out for me. So I greatly cherish moments spent with them all the more.

Words are not enough to describe 

the love this picture holds!