Dear Grandma...

 

Grandma,

I have never been to heaven so who knows if there is internet access there or not but I have so much on my heart that whether or not you read this, I know that our souls are still connected and somehow you know every word.I have so much that I just want to say to you.

It is so hard for me to believe that a month has already passed since you went to be with Jesus. Every since I was a child you talked about meeting Jesus as if it were something you looked forward to. You smiled at the thought of meeting your Savior that you loved with such a passionate pure heart.

When I imagine what the look on your face must have been like when you saw Him for the first time, I break down.
I know that Saints like you are very few. I know that not many of us know Him and love Him day in and day out without fail, the way you do. And the fact that you now get to be with Him every day without end, makes me happy for you.

But for me, Grandma, I miss you terribly.
Rick has been working a lot of over time lately, and I can not tell you enough how much I miss you calling to check on me when he is at work.
I find myself often going to pick up the phone to call and check on you, because I havent talked to you in a while, and then I quickly remember why I havent heard from you and it tears me to pieces all over again.

We used to talk so much and about so many things. You shared your soul with me, because you felt safe and new that it wouldnt go past the phone between our ears. I shared my soul with you because I knew that you spent the majority of your day having conversations with God and I knew that you could help me get thru to Him.
Our relationship was so unique and so special and I miss hearing your voice.

I went through all of my voicemails in hopes that I would come across one from you just so I could hear you say one more time "Erika, It's Grandma..."
I didnt have any saved because my phone automatically deletes them after a certain time. This was a total let down to me.

I have a hard time listening to the radio these days.
Yesterday I was in the car with Rick and "your twins" when "Meet me at the cross" came on and I cried like a baby because I just imagined you meeting Jesus at the cross and although I know you must be having a blast up there...I so badly wish you were still here with me.

I know that you spent the past 11 years here on earth in such terrible pain, so I have guilt in wishing you were still here because I know where you are now is pain free. I just dont understand why God didnt choose to heal you here, so you could still be with us. It is really hard for me to face every day knowing its one more day that I dont have you, and I will never again have you.

As you know, and were very excited about... I named my little girl Molly Ann after you so that IF the day ever came that I didn't have you anymore...in a way you would always still be with me thru my little girl. But to be honest, I had no idea that it would only be 5 months after meeting Molly that I would loose you.

You were so faithful in your prayers when I was pregnant and when I was trying to get pregnant. Even before we were told the girls may not make it, you prayed for their safety and for my strength. And when I was diagnosed with TTTS you cried with me but assured me God was going to heal them. You loved my girls with all your heart before you even had the chance to meet them. And when you met them, you fell in love all over again. It warmed my heart to see the way you held them and just stared at them and smiled. I loved hearing you brag to all your friends about "your twins". I never once corrected you and said they were MY twins because I was so touched that you loved them enough to claim them as your own. :) And if I had to share "my twins" with anyone in the world, I was honored to share them with you.

You taught me so much about life, and God, and being a mom, a wife, and I could go on. I would love to still be able to reach out to you for advice, but instead I will be sure to cling to every word of wisdom that you have shared with me.

In your weakest moments of life, you never ever gave up. Instead, you cried out to Jesus and you clinged to Him even more. And Grandma, this is the weakest I have ever been. And I do want to give up a lot of days, because being without you breaks me in half. But I want to make you proud, and I want to be the kind of woman you are, so I will not give up. That is my promise to you.

Not too long ago, I was having a really hard night. I was missing you so much and I was desperate to hear from you.
I remembered that you had given me your Beth Moore devotional and I flipped page by page reading your notes, longing for something to stand out, something that would be exactly what you would say to me, as if I had picked up the phone and called you.
And sure enough, I saw written in your own hand writing "Never let your faith deminish" and right next to that you had written "I have fought the good fight, I have kept the faith, I have finished the race, I have a crown of righteousness waiting for me"
And it was then that I felt like you were talking directly to me. My faith has been made so weak because God took you from me, and I feel like you were telling me that Just because You have finished your race...I should not let my faith diminish. You have your crown of righteouness that you waited so long for, and you dancing the streets of gold is nothing that I should be bitter about.

When I have moments of anger and grief that I dont even want to talk to God, I will do it anyways. Because you have shown me through your life, that out of any accomplishment I could ever achieve, at the end of it all...How well I know and Love God is most important.
I am so far from being the woman you are, but now more than ever, I will continue to strive.

Even in your absence Grandma, you still meet me where I am. You are still guiding me along the way.

I had so many wonderful times with you and they are helping push me through the hard times without you.

You would be so proud of Paw Paw. He has been so wonderful at picking up with me, where you left off. We havent missed a day of talking since you have been gone.
I love him so much. And apparently you did too. Almost 59 years of marriage,is a LONG time :)

You would also be happy to know that Mom and I talk almost everyday. I know that too would make you smile.

I know to some, I may seem like I am completely unglued. And at times, I do feel that way. But I am doing the best I can. I want to make you proud. I want to make my children proud. Paw Paw proud. My husband proud. And of course, I want to make Jesus proud. This is the hardest thing, I have ever had to do.And I have had to do some pretty hard things.
But once I push through these tough spots, I will pull up my boot straps and I will fight this good fight, just the way you did.

More than anything, I want to wrap my arms around you. But until that glorious day...I will hold you so very tight in my heart.

Thank you Grandma, SO much, for being all that you are. You have inspired me more than you could ever know. Actually, I think you do know. Because in your last days, even though you couldn't talk, when I asked you if you knew how special you are to me, with tears dripping off your cheeks, you nodded your head yes. I will never forget that.

I am changed, because of you.

I love you. Forever and ever.

Love Always,
Erika